When someone you care about loses a loved one to suicide, knowing what to say can be difficult. You may worry about upsetting them, asking the wrong question or making an already painful situation harder.

You don’t need to have answers. Acknowledging their loss, listening and following through on offers of help are meaningful ways to show you care.

As part of #DelawareGoesTealAndPurple, here are ways to approach these conversations with compassion.

1. Reach out, even if you’re unsure what to say.

A simple message can begin the conversation: “I’m so sorry to hear about [name]. I’m thinking of you.” You can also acknowledge your uncertainty: “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you.”

If you’re sending a text or leaving a message, let them know there’s no pressure to respond. They may appreciate hearing from you even when they don’t have the energy to answer.

2. Listen without trying to explain the loss.

Give the person time to speak without interrupting, offering advice or searching for a reason the death happened. Avoid questions that suggest blame, such as: “Didn’t you notice anything?” Or “Were you fighting?”

They may want to talk through the same questions or memories more than once. You don’t have to resolve those questions to listen with care.

When it comes up, use compassionate language, but don’t correct their story. Allow the survivor to define their own experience. When you talk about suicide and loss with them, try to remember that we no longer use phrases such as “committed suicide” and “successful attempt,” instead using “died by suicide,” “took their own life” and simply “attempt.” Refer to our language guide for more details on best practices.

3. Let them decide what to share.

Some people want to talk openly about their loss. Others prefer privacy, quiet company or a conversation about something else.

Ask, “Would you like to talk or would you like to just spend some time together?” Recognize that sometimes, we just need time with other people – even if it means we’re just sitting in the same room together and not talking. Honor the quiet space – it’s important, too. Remember to keep your time together impactful and meaningful by not sharing their story with others.

4. Make room for their person’s life and memories.

The person who died was more than the circumstances of their death. They had relationships, interests, habits and stories that still matter to the people who love them.

Follow the bereaved person’s preferences and cultural practices around names and remembrance. If welcome, share a memory or ask, “What would you like me to know about them?” Let them choose whether to continue.

5. Avoid phrases that minimize, rush or harm grief.

“At least…,” “everything happens for a reason” and “you need to move on” can unintentionally dismiss someone’s pain. Even a well-meant “I know how you feel” can overlook how different their experience may be from your own.

Try: “I wish things were different. I’m here with you.” You can acknowledge how painful something is without offering a silver lining. Remembering their loved one is important, too – “I remember when. . .”

6. Respect feelings that may be different from what you expect.

Someone may feel sadness, anger, confusion, relief or numbness. They may laugh while remembering their loved one or enjoy an afternoon with friends. Relationships can also have been difficult or complicated before the death.

Avoid telling them how they should feel or interpreting their reaction as a measure of their love. Our Survivor’s Bill of Rights and Permission Slip affirm that people deserve room to grieve in their own way.

7. Make a specific offer of help.

Rather than leaving someone to figure out what to ask for, suggest something you can realistically do: “Could I bring dinner on Thursday?” or “Would it help if I picked up groceries?”

You could also ask if they have a to-do list and then pick something from that list. Oftentimes, our survivors don’t know what they need in the moment. Active listening could also help you identify areas of need. For example, if they mention food several times while casually talking, they may need a meal, help with groceries or help with finances to get through the week so they can buy groceries on their own. Listen with intent.

Ask before making arrangements, respect a declined offer and follow through when they accept. Practical help can also be a way to spend time together without requiring a difficult conversation.

8. Take notes when needed

Survivors often cannot remember a lot in the early stages of their grief. This “grief fog” means that they may forget important details from phone calls, visitors or day-to-day activities. If the opportunity presents itself, take notes for them so they have a log of it for later.

9. Keep in touch as time passes.

Grief continues after the funeral and the return to everyday routines. Remember significant dates, continue invitations without pressure and check in during ordinary weeks, too.

You might say, “I’ve been thinking about you. Would you like some company this weekend?” If they’re interested in additional support, offer to help them explore peer support, a grief group or counseling. Let them guide that decision.

At DJ’s Alliance, many of us know suicide loss personally. We also know that no two people experience it in exactly the same way. Listening to what someone needs — and respecting what they tell us — is a good place to start.

For more guidance, reach out at www.DJsAlliance.com.

Words matter. What you do next matters, too. 💜🩵